Over the past week or so, I know I've been using the blog to just kinda complain and whatnot. So, to everyone who reads I want to say that I am sorry...and that I'm not done yet.

Mike. The person I think my soul has been searching for, the person my world revolves around, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with weather it be friends or something more. I mean every word of this with everything I have in me, which isn't much. This whole situation is just fustrating and draining and sometimes I think to myself, "why do I stay? I have so much ahead of me, I could just go and never have to deal with this." And then I realize that Mike is my life and has been since I was 15 years old. For the past 2 years almost, every Tuesday and Sunday night (sometimes Tuesdays and Thursdays) was my time with Mike. We talked about everything and nothing was off limits (well, a few things but I didn't mind). I could be in the worst mood of my life. Weather it be with my mom, school, friends, or just "one of those days", Mike would do everything in his power to make sure that I was laughing before I got off that phone...or at least was able to forget about it 2 hours. And I tried to do the same with him, but I never thought I actually did anything. Sure, I made him laugh whenever he was having a shitty day or something, but I never knew what I did actually cheered him up. So, I determained a long time ago that I needed Mike a lot more than he ever really needed me. And I went with that feeling for a very long time. And I guess it always kinda haunted me in the back of my mind that because Mike didn't really need me, he could drop me at anytime if something prettier (and skinnier) came along. There was every clue in front of my face that that wasn't the case, but sometimes I just don't listen to those tiny voices that tell you the good things, but the ones that tell you bad things, perhaps the stuff that easier to believe or comprehend.
So recently, when Mike started dating, it never really bothered me. I'd convinced myself a long time ago that Mike and I would never be anything more than just friends and that even if we could, I couldn't stop him from dating from a state away.
So, a while back, Mike went about a week without calling or emailing me or anything. And at first I was upset...but when it came into my head that there might be something more serious going on, I became insanely worried. I even talked to Cory about it (who did very little for the whole situation) which is something I try to avoid doing. I enjoy helping my friends with problems, but I am that person who smiles all the time even though things are killing me inside cause I don't want anyone's help. I just keep it all inside until it becomes too much.
In anycase, after that whole thing, our calling schedual changed dramaticly. Sometimes, I would hear from him once a week for about 15 minutes...or sometimes just not at all. And it didn't even really phase me. Of course, I wished I could hear from him, but I figured Mike had WAY better things to do that talk to his 17 year old side project.
But a week ago, everything came down on me with a vengence. While I was talking to another one of Mike's friends and listening to her go off about how much of an ass he was (he was obviously doing the same thing to her, but I was just taking it a little better), instead of taking up for Mike like I had been, I started agreeing. "Yes, Mike is an ass.", "I really don't need this", "I try and do everything I can for him and this is what I get in return? As soon as the first pretty little thing comes along, I get dumped to side like nothing."
With that mindframe, I wrote Mike a very heated letter telling him what I was feeling and ending it saying that I "never needed to hear from him again".
That Tuesday I tried to forget about that whole thing, but Wednesday, it came down on me...and hard. I cried pretty much all lunch time and all 4th period. People asked if I was okay...and without hesitation, I gave my usual response to avoid all helping hands. "Yeah, I'm okay". But I wasn't okay, and I knew that...and I think the most insensitive prick would know it too.
That day I got a letter from Mike saying how sorry he was for the recent events, and like I knew I would, I forgave him. "I'll just sit on the fence a little longer and wait until he regains interest in me, I guess." I thought.
Thursday, he asked if he could call me.
"Hmmm...write a nasty letter....so THAT'S how I get him to call?"
When he did call, he apologize and explained what had been going on. Later I realized that I had forgiven him long before I ever picked up that phone and that hearing his voice was the greatest thing I had heard in a LONG time. For a while, we went around the situation, talking about the news, projects, and everything else that would come to mind. But I guess we couldn't avoid it any longer. We talked about the letter, the way it made me feel to write it, the way it made him feel to read it, and before I knew it, we were both in tears and I wanted to be next to him at that moment more than I ever had. I think it was at that moment that I realized that I wasn't his "17 year old side project" or that I needed him more than he needed me. We both needed each other about the same, which was badly. And more than anything, I realized I truly, could not live without him.
I was really happy after we got off the phone. Everything had come together so suddenly in a snap, that it was not until yesterday, Saturday, that I realized I might not talk to him again for a long time (he had told me this in the phone conversation, but the rest of the night just kinda over shawdowed the thought I suppose) and before I knew it, I was crying again and depressed...again. I tried everything to get my mind off of it, but every part of me ached for him and anything I tried to do just did a 180 back to the situation at hand.
For now, I've stopped crying and managed not to let the whole thing bother me as much. But I know I'm not done crying...I don't think I ever will be